They fly. They ALL fly.

It's probably not news that I work at a veterinary hospital. It's probably also not news that at said veterinary hospital we see some very sick pets. Pets that are sick because of internal issues and pets that are sick because of external issues. The external issues are what concern me the most. A primary reason for me not going into human medicine is because I can catch everything people have that is contagious! Oh and people are gross. But it didn't really occur to me that I could catch several things from animals too! I mean, sure, they have intestinal parasites that we can get but I was always under the impression we'd have to actually ingest them before they'd set up shop in our GI tract. This was until I learned they fly. They ALL fly. Yes, you heard right. Roundworms, hookworms, ear mites and sarcoptes, especially sarcoptes, fly. They leap from host to host infecting as they go! This is common knowledge, or should be, and yet both doctors at my hospital insist on making slides brimming with sarcoptic mange and ear mites and tapeworms and hookworms! They then have the audacity to leave the slides casually strewn about the hospital with no regard for my health and well-being! Because of this, I'm most certain I have a case of sarcoptic mange, ear mites and each of the aforementioned intestinal parasites. And the blame rests solely on the shoulders of a one Dr. Powell and one Dr. Canida. (I'm thinking of word that rhymes with witches...)

I do, however, have a way to prove my hypothesis. If we were to tag the infected pets and parasites with some sort of radioactive isotope, turn off the lights and put on special parasite viewing goggles I know we'd see a sea of colors flying through the air! It might be kinda pretty but also terrifying. You'd see little colored squiggles representing the worms and medium-sized circles with giant eyes and antenna and angry faces w/ sharp fangs. That would be the sarcoptes lunging toward you ready to attach! It's scary, right?! Yeah, I know. The only way to protect yourself would be to wear an impenetrable suit of armor or something and carry around mineral oil to drown any that get on you. Good luck and Godspeed.

Picture People

For most of us, our home is a showcase of our decorating tastes, adventures and memories of days gone by that may or may not include family and friends. We often have pictures of celebrations, momentous occasions and/or beautiful scenery we came across during our travels. Up until now I thought this was the norm; that everyone followed this unspoken rule. Nope. Not so. Well, at least this is the case for this one person to which I am referring (pretty sure she may the only person in the entire world who does this). While my friend Holly* (name has been changed to protect identity) does have some pictures of family members and friends she also has an overwhelming number of frames that contain the original picture that was sold with the frame AND the models that were featured in said pictures. I call them her picture people. Even more disturbing, she has them hung on walls and, more often than not, featured under a spotlight of sorts or in a prominent viewing spot. Many of the frames even have some cutesy artistic writing on them featuring words like "family" and "love." Many also still have the writing for the size of the frame and the brand name of the manufacturer who made the frame so you would think there would be no way she'd try and pass these picture people off as relatives and extended family members. You underestimate Holly. Not only does she try and pass them off as family and friends, she has taken the time to name each and every one of them...although she often forgets their names and mixes them up so if you listen too closely you get confused. She also appears to have misidentified the sex of one of the "cousins." I've never been more convinced of this than I was after looking at the picture of the child she calls "Grace" for an extended period of time. At first I thought Grace was just a little mannish but then I realized that Grace-son (get it, Grayson but spelled with Grace and she's a son and not a daughter?!) was really just a little feminish and was actually a boy. I have a picture and will conduct a brief, but highly scientific and accurate, poll after presenting my case.

My Evidence:

1) Grace-son is wearing a boyish snow hat

2) If he isn't a boy, who is the small boy in the other two pictures that I assume the frame-makers were trying to pass off as pictures of him when he was smaller?

3) Grace-son is a boy

I'm quite certain you can now see why she is in fact a he (this news will be most devastating to Todd and Meghan...Grace-son's parents, i.e. the blonde and the handsome man on the left side of the frame). Mike and Carol (a name I'm pretty sure I just made up and Holly went with) will also be crushed...Grace-son's grandparents. Todd's brother, John, and his wife, Laura, are in the middle of the frame with their son, Scott, and daughter, ? (I can't remember her name I'll have to ask Holly for a refresher course of Family Picture People 101). 

Even more ironic is that Holly is an avid photographer. She takes pictures of everything and everyone and yet, well, you know the rest. I guess the silver lining is that she'd be easy to buy gifts for...just get some frame at Target and tell her it's a picture of you and her at a graduation. And another graduation. And in a meadow. And at another graduation.

By the way, the results of the poll are in and the results are pretty much what I expected...